Download Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas, by Celia Rivenbark
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Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas, by Celia Rivenbark
Download Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas, by Celia Rivenbark
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In this always sensible and mildly profane etiquette manual for the modern age Celia Rivenbark addresses real-life quandaries ranging from how to deal with braggy playground moms to wondering if you can have sex in your aunt's bed on vacation to correctly grieving the dearly departed (hint: it doesn't include tattoos or truck decals). Rude Bitches Make Me Tired will provide answers to all your mannerly questions as Celia discusses the social conundrums of our day and age, including:
Navigating the agonies of check splitting ("Who had the gorgonzola crumbles and should we really care?")The baffling aspects of airline travel (such as "Recline Monster" and other animals)The art of the visit (always leave them wanting more . . . much more)Gym and locker etiquette (hint: no one wants to talk to you while you're buck naked)Office manners ("Loud talkers, cake hawkers, and Britney Sue's unfortunate cyst")And much more!
Good manners have never been so wickedly funny!
- Sales Rank: #70866 in eBooks
- Published on: 2013-10-22
- Released on: 2013-10-22
- Format: Kindle eBook
From Publishers Weekly
Southern humorist Rivenbark applies her trademark wit to answering modern-day dilemmas of etiquette in what is decidedly not your mama&'s etiquette guide. She addresses everything from table manners—in a section titled That&'s Not a Salad Fork, You Stupid Bitch—to dealing with pushy, bragging moms or, even worse, moms who refuse to vaccinate their children. Rivenbark grapples with important issues like discord between married Duke and North Carolina basketball fans; the office co-worker running a cake scam; and unsolicited hugging. She decries etiquette degenerates like air travel&'s Entitled Recline Monster; a woman so devoted to her politics she campaigns at funerals; and the slow-moving grocery store shoppers she dubs Saunteringus malingerus. Further topics include restroom etiquette, where Rivenbark advises men to not tap your toes in a stall, as such behavior could turn you into a Republican congressman; dealing with rude or lousy drivers on the road; and even proper Facebook behavior. As usual, her comments are infused with a Southern flair, be it a recipe for bourbon-soaked baked ham, the Sunday-afternoon drop-in, or prefacing awful comments with bless her heart. Fans of Rivenbark&'s biting humor will not be disappointed with this latest offering. (Nov.)
Review
“[Rivenbark]'s as rebellious, irreverent, and comical as ever.” ―Publishers Weekly on You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl
“...a rip-roaring read.... What makes Rivenbark's writing so entertaining is that it's a lot like seeing a stand-up comedy act: she does an uncanny job of keeping the flow of comedy fresh.” ―Book Reporter on You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl
“Opening a book by Celia is like going to a great party--at the end of the night, your sides hurt, your mascara's ruined, and you realize you haven't eaten anything for almost an hour. She's that good. My biggest hope is that when I find myself riding the bus to hell, I'll look over and Celia will be sitting right next to me.” ―Laurie Notaro, author of The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club, on You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl
“Whether readers are from the south side of Baw-ston or living just south of the Mississippi, Rivenbark's genuine Southern recipes and true Southern charm are sure to appeal to everyone.” ―Encore Archives on You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning
“…many of her descriptions are not only LOL funny, they also demand reading aloud to whomever happens to be nearby.” ―Myrtle Beach Sun-News on You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning
“Rivenbark is more than funny. She's Carolina funny.” ―The Charlotte Observer on You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning
“Readers will laugh out loud over her commentary on status mothers and all the odd obsessions of modern life...” ―Booklist on Belle Weather
“Think Dave Barry with a female point of view...” ―USA Today on Belle Weather
“This is a hilarious read, perhaps best enjoyed while eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts with a few girlfriends.” ―Publishers Weekly on Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank
“She kills in the "Kids" and "Southern-Style Silliness" sections, putting the fear of Mickey into anyone planning a trip to Disney World (character breakfasts must be scheduled 90 days in advance) and extolling the entertainment value of obituaries ('If there's a nickname in quotes, say Red Eye, Tip Top, or simply, Zeke, then my entire day is made')” ―Entertainment Weekly on Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank
“Will give you a case of the giggles.” ―NY Daily News on We're Just Like You, Only Prettier
“Warm, witty, and wise, rather like reading dispatches from a friend who uses e-mail and still writes letters, in ink, on good paper.” ―St. Petersburg Times on We're Just Like You, Only Prettier
“Bright, witty and warm…stories that make a desperate gift-giver weep glad tears of relief…a pleasing blend of spice, humor and memories.” ―St. Petersburg Times on Bless Your Heart, Tramp
“Celia Rivenbark has the goods and then some. She makes you laugh out loud dozens of times. Anyone who has the moxie to toss off a piece titled 'Fake Dog Testicles' will tread into the wildest stretches of comedic terrain...” ―The State (Columbia, S.C.) on Bless Your Heart, Tramp
About the Author
CELIA RIVENBARK is the author of You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl; Belle Weather; Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like A Skank; We're Just Like You, Only Prettier; Bless Your Heart, Tramp; and You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning. She lives in Wilmington, North Carolina.
Most helpful customer reviews
15 of 16 people found the following review helpful.
Not yo' momma's etiquette book
By David Wineberg
Celia Rivenbark writes with a felt-tipped pickaxe handle. She is not delicate. But she is very funny. Very funny. She crafts her paragraphs for maximum laughs. She comes back to cash in on a line pages later. No shot is wasted. She clearly knows what she's doing. This is a well thought through effort in self awareness and self mockery. It's a pleasure to just to look at. To read it is its own reward.
It would be better without quite so much Kardashian. Five times in 167 pages. It would also be better if she didn't use quite so many four letter words. It's not only too easy, it minimizes their impact. Very quickly, it just becomes trash talk, and Rivenbark is far more skilled than that. Here are three sterling examples:
-On raising her teenage daughter: If you don't put that phone in the other room during dinner, I will crush it, along with your spirit, beneath the wheels of the car you will never drive. Sweetheart.
-In discussing funerals, there's this wisdom about baking a ham: This is my go-to ham recipe, and it came from Southern Living magazine, which, along with the fabulous Garden & Gun, should be on your coffee table at all times, praise Jesus.
-I am a true American. Which means I have zero interest in learning about another culture, unless it is in the safe confines of EPCOT or the International House of Pancakes.
This is so far from anything like etiquette, you wouldn't know it was the same country that produced so many neurotic, rigid, stifling, punishing books on manners in the last century. Society has changed so much, the old rules are way beyond laughable. Rude Bitches accelerates the process, mocking today's insufficiencies, without imposing idiotic new rules.
However. This new society is so slovenly, so graceless, so self-centered and narcissistic, it is pathetic. Basically, anything goes, and that's not the most pleasant state of being. Thankfully, there is someone who can step right into the middle of it to make fun of it all (while claiming all along to be above the fray). My hat is tipped to Celia Rivenbark, bless her heart. Just sayin'.
David Wineberg
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
More fun from Celia
By Mary Bookhounds
MY THOUGHTS
LOVED IT
This is one part etiquette book, one part hilarious memoir and all parts funny.
Since Dave Barry isn't writing a regular column anymore, I have been stalking Rivenbark online to catch her columns instead. I have read all of her books and have loved each and every one of them. In her latest collection of essays, she tackles manners and takes them out, yes, just like a football center taking out the quarterback. Seriously, I had to read this one in the bathroom with the door closed and the fan on to muffle my laughing. I suppose that Rivenbark would have something to say about that.
This book is just made of fun. It is one of those books that you can easily read a chapter here and there. Be aware: this book isn't for the person who dislikes a bad word here and there. I think everyone will relate to the Line Jumper, the Teen (otherwise known as PRINCESS) and PDAs - (one word Don't!). The question and answer format will have you thinking that Dear Abby has come back to life. I know her daughter is now writing that column, but she will never be Abby. If you enjoy Dave Barry, Jen Lancaster or Laurie Notaro, you need to catch this author.
6 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Jeez, Lady, Who Tee-Teed in Your Cornflakes?
By TheBanshee
I was really disappointed in the mean tone of this look at etiquette in the Internet Age. I expected much better than this from Rivenbark. I have learned to mostly overlook her gratuitous potshots at Republicans and people who have more money than she will admit to having; apparently that never gets old for her.
But this book is just meanspirited in other ways too. The format: she takes a (made-up, I assume) question about etiquette, and prefaces her answers by insulting the questioner in a way that is acid in tone rather than teasing or playful, or even civil. Then she vouchsafes to render her advice, which is usually some variation on "Deal with it!"
She sounds like an amateur stand-up comedienne who thinks angry equals funny. There is no nuance, and she really should be doing better work at this stage of the game. There is just no excuse for this exercise in shrillness.
Maybe Rivenbark is going through a bad time in her personal life. Maybe she's lost her comedy mojo. But if this book is any indication, she sounds as if she needs a book on etiquette more than her readers do. But she can buy her own; I've already contributed nine bucks to the cause.
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